Fixing FANOS
Adapt FANOS to meet your relationship’s needs—don’t mold your relationship to fit the framework.
FANOS is the well-known couples communication framework offered by Debra Laaser in her book Shattered Vows. The acronym stands for Feelings, Affirmations, Needs, Ownership, and Struggles/Sobriety. We’ve had success using FANOS in our relational recovery (and we still use it to this day). But, we’ve also heard some couples find it too constraining, which can inhibit their attempts at connection. While it’s important to follow Debra’s guidelines, we’d like to share a few suggestions on how to modify FANOS so it may better serve you. This article can’t offer a comprehensive solution for every couple’s situation. We recommend they invite an objective professional who can offer personalized advice for their situation.
Adapt FANOS. No surprise here because I just gave it away. Adapt FANOS to meet your relationship’s needs—don’t mold your relationship to fit the framework. Communication is not about changing who you are, it’s about sharing who you are. We’ve taken out letters and added letters as we saw fit over the years. Stick with the original F-A-N-O-S framework and only adjust the letters if both of you mutually agree. Don’t attempt to persuade or coerce the other; both of you need the self-agency to say yes or no.
Knowing that it’s acceptable to modify FANOS when both of you agree, let’s explore a few more ideas on what that might look like.
Affirmations. Offer affirmations first. They must always be positive and centered on the other person. An affirmation usually recognizes others’ efforts or validates them in some way. Finding something to affirm may be challenging when couples are working or otherwise spend a lot of time away. We made it a point to call throughout the day. However you approach, it necessitates being attuned to one another with the time you do have together. Got a poor memory? Me, too. I keep notes on my phone so I don’t forget any affirmations.
Feelings. Sharing your feelings is as much for you as it is for the coupleship. It requires you to earnestly explore your emotions and develop emotional intimacy. That’s the one thing I find my clients need the most. I talk more about it in my article Areas Overlooked in Addiction Recovery.
Strugglers, learning to recognize your feelings may seem arduous. Hang it there, this is the real work of recovery. You cannot truly empathize with another until you can feel the same emotions within yourself. This was the most difficult part of FANOS for me. I spent months trying to identify an authentic feeling besides the big five (mad, sad, glad, lonely, and afraid) without the aid of a feelings wheel.
Let me share a tip with you. I learned it was easier to identify a feeling when I added it to the end of an unpremeditated affirmation statement. The affirmation helped coax my feeling out. Give it a try...
The way you were able to handle the chaos today really >impressed< me.
So try pairing affirmations and feelings together and expand on both. In my example, share what it’s like for you to feel impressed. Of course, you’re not limited to one shared feeling, nor only feelings associated with an affirmation. It’s healthy to explore feelings you’ve experienced throughout the day, and it’s important to communicate that emotional awareness.
Needs. Addictions form, in part, when we are unaware of our needs and how to provide for them. We have other articles to discuss this more in-depth, but the essence of your needs are communicated by your feelings. Your feelings are messengers. When you are able to identify an authentic feeling (something on the outer rim of a feelings wheel, for example), the next step is to identify what you need from that message.
Gratitude. I’m adding this one to the framework. Research shows that practicing gratitude can improve mental heath and support recovery by rewiring the brain’s reward system. Bringing attentive focus to positive experiences reduces stress, increases dopamine and serotonin naturally, and aids emotional regulation. There’s more to this than just naming the thing or act—it must be deeply felt and integrated. Practicing mindfulness is an excellent way that leads to transforming emotional awareness into emotional wisdom.
Sobriety. My fellow strugglers, do not present sobriety check-ins together with affirmations! Make it a point to schedule affirmations and sobriety-ownership at different times of the day. This should go without saying, but you don’t want to negate affirmations of your partner by sharing how you may have fallen short of sobriety.
Ownership. Ownership is more than an admission; it’s also about making amends. As a rule of thumb, primum non nocere . . . First, do no harm. Blaming one another or making excuses for yourself doesn’t serve to heal the relationship. Ownership emphatically states “I did _______, and this is how I will make amends.”
Ownership isn’t restricted to addictive behaviors. It includes any way you fall short of the values you want to live for yourself. Emphasize your relationships. Were you harsh with someone today, or passively aggressive? Did you miss an opportunity to fulfill a promise? This is the time to acknowledge those shortcomings and take action for repair before the day closes out.
As you can see, our recommendations change the FANOS arrangement a bit. It looks more like AFNG-SO. Not nearly as easy to remember, unfortunately. The original framework is still there, but with more emphasis on order and delivery. AFGN is the emotional, relationship-building check-in. Do it at a different time than SO, the struggle and repair check-in.
There’s more.
Eye contact. Specifically, left eye contact. That means looking into the other person’s left eye. You may notice this is a little harder than looking into their right eye.
Vulnerability. Place yourselves in a state of intimate, non-sexual vulnerability if—and only if—it’s a safe space for both of you after regaining a measure of trust. Do this in-person and without distractions. Emotional vulnerability is a goal since true intimacy cannot be gained without it. Don’t force it—this may not be possible early after discovery, or if one in the coupleship continues to harm. Safety first.
Ambivalence. My fellow strugglers, you may have a strong resistance to sharing any of the AFNG-SO letters. Let’s cover two reasons why this may be so:
It’s about you. That resistance you feel may be due to a limited emotional scope. Your emotions are essential for understanding your core needs. Feelings and needs are two linked elements in the framework. Learning to recognize and share your feelings is a critical aspect of recovery. If this is challenging for you, developing emotional intimacy needs to be a priority.
It’s about your partner. If you think your partner would be better off not knowing, think again. My wife can attest, your shares convey commitment to the relationship and, in turn, allow your partner to live within the reality of the relationship. Partners who want to know your world would much rather know the truth even if it’s painful.
We often see ambivalence as a block to productive communication. It can feel easier and safer to pull back even when using a framework for connection. There will always be tension. Notice if that tension is driving you away from relationship or towards relationship. Moving away may be easier in the short-term but it inhibits personal growth. Choose connection, lean in.
In the absence of connection there is always suffering.
Brené Brown